5 Lessons I’ve Learned as a Gay Dating Coach & Matchmaker
As the first Black gay certified matchmaker and science-based relationship coach in the world (according to the Global Love Institute), I’ve had the rare privilege of being one of the foremost experts on relationships both within and beyond the LGBTQ+ community. Here are 5 major lessons I’ve learned since I started coaching professionally in 2011:
Physical beauty is NOT a predictor of romantic success or longevity. Attractiveness might get you attention, but it won’t give you the skills to create or sustain a relationship. (This is why so many cute people are single).
Our culture LITERALLY conditions men to be emotionally unavailable—and then convinces us that emotionally immature men are somehow the most attractive. The foundation of healthy relationships is emotional connection but in western societies, men are conditioned to ignore and suppress their emotions. This makes it super challenging for gay men to develop healthy relationships without intentionally investing in their dating/relationship skills. The shade is real.
Gay men are not more sexual than anyone else—but they are more likely to believe that sex will help them find love since men are conditioned to only feel their feelings during sex. They all have experience & evidence that proves the belief is false but they don’t know what else to do so they keep doing it. (Yes, that’s a double entendre 😉)
Narcissists are not born, they’re made. Narcissism isn’t a personality trait; it’s a coping mechanism for deep insecurity. The more we condition people to suppress their emotions, the more narcissists we create in our society. And let’s not forget: Most crime is committed by men because suppression is not an effective way to regulate emotions. We’ve got to stop teaching little boys to compartmentalize their humanity. 🙄
People only tell you to “wait for love to find you” because they don’t know what they’re doing. If someone told you to “wait for a job to find you” instead of intentionally looking for one, you’d probably laugh at them. But if you compare the time, energy, and money you’ve invested in your professional skills to the time, energy, and money you’ve invested in developing your dating skills, it’s no surprise why most people’s careers are better than their relationships.
For gay singles love isn’t a fairytale, it’s more like a video game. The #1 reason anyone is single is because they’re trying to have a Level 25 relationship with Level 3 dating skills. (Feel free to read that again.) If you haven't already, you can assess your level of relationship readiness by clicking here to take my free dating skill quiz.
