3 Layers of Compatibility
Fun Fact: most people don't know that there are 3 layers of romantic compatibility. The layers mutually influence each other’s expression but the higher layers have veto power over your compatibility decisions related to the layers below. I call this metacompatibility.
As a gay dating coach & matchmaker it's one of my favorite things to talk about because it explains why people might seem compatible on paper but the relationship doesn’t work in the real world.
Layer 1—Nature: includes your instincts, intelligence, and emotional temperament/personality type. These are the “factory settings” you’re born with that are generally stable over time and determine the sustainable “limits” of your capacity. Ex: we can see introversion, extroversion, fussiness, emotional stability, etc. in newborns.
Layer 2—Nurture: includes your cultural conditioning, attachment style, traumas, education, skills, and values. These are the “software patches” you acquire to navigate and cope when your environment requires traits beyond your factory settings. They can temporarily “override” your factory settings but will cause stress and illness over time if you overextend your capacity for too long. Ex: you’re an introvert who has to socialize a lot for work but that social battery will still burn out.
Layer 3—Narrative: includes your romantic mythology, relationship mindset, self concept, attraction archetype(s), power orientations, and level of self awareness. It is the self-perpetuated “program” we use to make sense of ourselves and integrate the differences between our nature and our conditioning—between what we desire and what we believe we deserve. This is the story we tell about our relationships and ourselves within them. Ex: “I always have to prove myself worthy of love because I don’t believe I’m lovable as I am.”
Integrated example: just looking at personality types (1st layer), an ENFP and INFJ are “perfect” for each other. But from an attachment perspective (layer 2) if the INFJ is anxious and the ENFP is avoidant the relationship will still be rocky, especially if they don’t know their attachment styles. Even if their personality types and attachment styles are compatible, if their levels of self awareness or self-concepts (layer 3) don't fit into each other's stories, they still won't be satisfied.
As you can see, the narrative layer is most influential. If a potential partner doesn’t operate according to the power dynamics in your romantic narrative, you won’t assign them a meaningful role in your love story—even if they’re otherwise “ideal.” In this way, the narrative layer functions as a self-fulfilling prophecy, shaping not only what types of relationships you pursue, but also what you allow yourself to receive in those relationships.
The only thing we have to sacrifice to have the healthy romantic love we desire is our stories about why we can’t have it.
Our brains are wired for story and there is no story more powerful than the one we tell ourselves about ourselves.
What story are you choosing to tell?
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For gay singles love isn’t a fairytale, it’s more like a video game. The #1 reason anyone is single is because they’re trying to have a Level 25 relationship with Level 3 dating skills. (Feel free to read that again.) You can assess your level of relationship readiness by clicking here to take my free dating skill quiz.
